Yes. I live with Determinism every day. But before I explain, here is my definition of Determinism, which is merely a re-wording.
Determinism is a view of the world in which all actions are not conscious, that is they do not see their consequences because it is impossible. they are merely consequences of previous actions outside of one's control.
I believe that this is a fact of life. Unavoidable and inescapable.
On February 12th 2006, Sunday evening precisely at about 6:45, while stopped at a red light, facing north on Beltline Rd about to cross over Highway 635, in the far right lane, I was hit from behind by a vehicle that was traveling at approximately 45 mi/hr.
Those are the facts. But here is what immediately afterward began to dawn on me like a vice slowly squeezing my skull against my brain. To understand why, we must take a few steps back and see what happened before the vehicular collision.
Every Sunday at 5:00pm, I teach a small group of fourth grade boys at Irving Bible Church. At around 6:15 pm, I release the boys to play games while they wait for their parents to finnish attending service and come pick them up. During this time, I usually play games with the kids, or talk with other small group leaders or parents. I do not remember exactly who I talked to and for how long, but I am certain that it was a helter skelter of choices/steps that I made during this time. There is no telling how this time could have been different had I talked to "those" people instead of "these" people.
Continuing on, (stay with me, this is all vitally important) I left the church, going out the back door at a brisk pace toward my van. I had plans to meet my best friends Doug and Alex Hale who live about 5 miles north of the church. There is really only one way to get to their house from the church, only one logical way. So naturally I chose that way.
Upon leaving the church parking lot and pulling onto Regent dr, making my way toward Beltline, I was faced with a real moral choice. I was frustrated about something emotionally and when I am frustrated in this way I usually respond in some bitter and angry way. This time my anger manifested itself by a refusal to put my seat belt on. Yet in the midst of my stupidity, I stopped and weighed this choice. I began to picture myself laying in a hospital bed with my father leaning over me. I was wrapped up in blankets and bandages with blood on my face and a glazed look in my eyes. In this vision, I was seeing the possible consequences for a choice that I was about to make. Let me be clear, though I quickly put on my seat belt, I did so, not because of a fear of bodily injury, but because I was afraid to think that a singularly clear choice could have such far reaching negative consequences-I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in a wheel chair because of a temper tantrum.
So there I was, heading toward Beltline at about 40 mi/hr. Once I got to the corner, I turned right onto beltline in order to go north onto my friends' house. Just about the time I turned on to Beltline, I recieved a call on my cell from my roommate. I do not remember the reason for the call, but we were having a normal chat by the time I pulled up to the light at Beltline and 635. I was in the far right lane, not the one that turns right onto the highway, but the one farthest on the right that still allows you to drive strait on over the bridge. i was in this lane for two specific reasons. 1) Because I had just turned right from Regent, 2) because Doug and Alex's house is just east of Beltline which requires me to make a right turn in order to arrive at my destination. This was the lane I needed to be in if I wanted to get to where I was going.
So there i was, talking amiably on the phone, stopped at the red light. For some unknowable reason, I looked up and into the rearview mirror. In the mirror I saw a white SUV traveling fast toward me. Quickly, I decided that the SUV was traveling to fast to be able to stop with out running right into me. Almost reflexively, I hit the gas pedal of my 1993 Plymouth Voyager and turned the wheel to the right. In that split second I had remembered how my father had once told me that he avoided a big wreck in a similar way. In that instant I knew so many things that I cannot begin to remember now. But one thing i do remember: I knew that i had only one conscious choice in this "accident." And that choice was only going to help the situation. In other words, I had made no conscious choices that were causes of the collision.
Then I felt the impact.
The accident was pretty brutal, but no one was seriously injured. I crawled out of my demolished van only after I realized that the other driver was probably not as resilient as me. With the help of some witnesses, the middle aged woman named Rose, was pulled safely from her white Mazda SUV that had tipped over onto its side. After being certain that she was unhurt, I put a gentle hand on her shoulder and said, "What happened? Why did you hit me?" Her reply was simply this, "I don't know. I thought I had a clear lane."
Do you see? Do you see that this cosmic collision of two human beings in Irving Texas, USA, Planet earth, on February 12th at 6:45 pm was determined by an infinite number of choices that were made by an infinite number of people?
As I said when I started this blog, why? is the only real question. But here the why is beyond me. Only God knows exactly why Mrs. Rose Woessner ran into MY van on THAT day, at THAT time, in THAT place.
That, to me, is Determinism.
Now I drive a black Volkswagen Station wagon that belongs to my best friend Doug. Because he lets me use his car, I take him to work everyday at 6:15 am. I look forward to those seven minutes that it takes to drive from Doug's house to his job. They are the most precious moments of my day. When I go to bed at night, I think about what I want to say to him as we drive into the dawn. Do you know why I get to have those seven minutes of joy? Its because of an infinite number of choices that an infinite number of people made.
Do you see how Determinism and Freedom are bundled up together, twisting and tightening among the threads of time?
